


I've been meaning to tell you

by orphan_account



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-16
Updated: 2012-10-16
Packaged: 2017-11-16 10:53:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/538666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reid has been in love with Derek for nine years, four months, two weeks and three days. So why is it when Derek finally gets a girlfriend, he can no longer exhibit the self control he once did. Pre-slash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a two-shot from a prompt given to me by Trinigust on one of my other Fics, Enjoy.

Don't hide your true feelings about somebody, because they will catch up to you at some point. Feelings buried alive don't die – Michael Barbarulo.

He bit the inside of his cheeks, and glared at the pair across from him, swirling his drink in its glass as he watched them. This is why Spencer Reid hated going to clubs with the team. He had to sit and hope that one of his team would keep him company while the others danced, which wouldn't be a problem, only seldom did Rossi and Hotch come out with them, and never to a club. And since Emily went to London, Garcia and JJ only had each other to dance with. Blake didn't have time to come out; her evenings without a case were usually spent preparing material for her lectures in Georgetown. He could never understand how the others who did not want to go out never were badgered into it, but he was always felt forced to go, guilted him into it. It wasn't fair; surely he shouldn't have to come out if he didn't want to.

He hated the feeling of being ignored as the two blondes danced jokingly on the floor. They always invited him out with them, but they knew he hated it; he was too self-conscious for parading around a dance floor making a fool of himself. As for Morgan, he had always surrounded by women, every race and colour throwing themselves at the muscular agent. But shockingly, he had recently taken to one of those girls. She was pretty, actually that was selling her short, she was beautiful, and no one could deny it. Big honey brown eyes, tall for a woman, about 5'8", slender, but with nice curves where they mattered, rich coffee brown hair and caramel coloured skin. Even Garcia thought the beautiful Monica was worthy of her chocolate Adonis. Spencer on the other hand, did not.

He had harboured feelings for Derek for some time. But never really thought much of them, he knew the other man was straight, and he had accepted that. There was nothing he could do about that, just as there was nothing he could do about his own orientation. "We are all unique, which ever gender you love, it's not wrong" his mother had told him the day he had revealed to her that he was attracted to another man, and it made him accept himself nearly immediately, and played a large part in shaping his non-judgemental views of others which aided greatly in his line of work. When Derek had nearly been killed by Foyet two years previous, he realised how much he felt for the other man, but decided that rather than risking their friendship, he'd say nothing. He knew Derek saw him as a brother, and his love as a brother was better than risking it all and ending up with them being distant and awkward, which he calculated there was a ninety-six per cent chance of happening. He couldn't chance it.

But accepting that he could not be with the other man and watching him fawn over some woman were two different things, and Spencer was unsure he could stomach anymore of the latter. He looked at the woman who was making the man he adored smile, and he thought cruel and nasty thoughts about her, most he knew, were completely unfounded and all were out of spite. He didn't know her from Eve, he knew he had no right to think those things of a woman who had never bode him any ill-will, but rational had no place in love. The great romance stories of history, fictional or otherwise proved that, Helen of Troy, Romeo and Juliet, Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal, Cleopatra and Mark Antony. He knew this was nothing like them on the grander scheme of things, but to Spencer Reid it was. He knocked back the rest of his drink and grabbed his satchel.

"Going somewhere Pretty Boy?" Derek asked, looking away from his date to talk to his best friend. Every time Spencer heard that nickname it both made his blood run cold with fear that Derek had realised his feelings, and caused him to go beetroot red as it sent warm shivers down his spine.

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired; I think I'll just head home for the evening. Catch up on a few hours' sleep."

"Not a bad plan, may actually do something similar myself soon enough. Are you alright for a lift?"

"I can get a cab outside."

"Mon, you think you'll be okay for two minutes while I wait outside with Reid? I just want to talk to him for a moment without having to shout over the music."

"Of course. Rush back though, will you?"

Derek smiled wolfishly. "You gonna miss me that much, Beautiful?"

"Maybe." She replied, leaning in for a kiss.

Spencer willed his stomach to not expel its contents all over the two people in front of him. "Well bye." He said awkwardly and walked towards the exit. He never even made for JJ and Garcia to bid them farewell. Derek followed right behind him. "Morgan, I'm not a child, I can wait for a cab by myself."

"I never said you couldn't kid, I genuinely only came out to talk to you for a minute."

"Oh, what's up?"

"Are you alright, you were pretty quiet tonight."

"I'm fine, I just really hate these places, and I most definitely hate being the proverbial third wheel."

"Wait, do you not like Monica?"

"I have no reason to dislike her." Spencer played it safe and did not lie, he knew Derek would see through it, even though they weren't supposed to profile one another, it's not like they are able to turn off something so second nature to them all when they feel like it. "I just don't like sitting staring at a drink because the two people across from me are involved in a personal conversation, in a surrounding I am naturally uncomfortable with."

Derek looked at him guilty. "Shit, sorry man, that wasn't my intention. Honest. It's just I don't like talking work around Monica, it's not exactly a job you can discuss with anyone."

"Who are you telling?" Derek smiled weakly. "You better go back in, you don't want her to be left alone too long, and it's not polite."

"Yeah, you're right, sorry for not being a good friend Kid."

"Morgan, it's not your job to entertain me, besides you know all I rather do is…."

"Sit at home with the new season of Dr. Who that came out on DVD last week and eat your own weight in Lucky Charms cereal?" the other man finished for him.

"We're not supposed to profile one another." Spencer said suspiciously.

"That's not profiling Reid, that's knowing you for nine years."

"Yeah well I better get a cab and you better get back inside. Good night Morgan."

"Night Reid." Spencer didn't look back around to the other agent as he opened the door of the cab and got in.

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"Boy Wonder, what gives? You never even said goodbye last night." Garcia chastised the next day when she saw the young agent.

"Sorry, I was so tired I forgot. I nearly fell asleep at the table." He didn't look at her face; she would think it was out of embarrassment rather than lying to her.

"You better not have driven home."

"No, I got a cab, Morgan will confirm it. Where is he actually?" There was one thing that never sat well with Garcia. A drunk driver had killed her mother and step father, and the thought that any of her close friends doing the same would kill her.

"Maybe he and the lovely Monica forgot the time" suggested JJ. Bile threatened to surge up Spencer's throat at the thought of the beautiful woman in bed with Derek. His lips pursed, his eyebrows scrunched tightly and his fists clenched as jealous surged through him. It's not fair he thought to himself. He would give anything to be the one that Derek went home with last night, to be the one who he woke up next to this morning. His train of thought was interrupted by the arrival of said agent.

"Morgan we were about to send a search party out for you." Rossi's voice came from the older agent's office door.

"My bad man, I had a rough night last night."

"You're sex life is not something the staff of the BAU wish to hear about Morgan." Spencer internally seconded the unit chief's words as Hotch walked past Derek and across the bullpen, not once taking his eyes off the file in his hands.

"Hmm, kinky." Garcia laughed.

"Like I would go around bragging that sort of thing. Nah, my little sister is pregnant and won't tell my Momma who the father is. So I have my older sister on the phone to me most of the night trying to get me to reveal the secrets of profiling and interrogation." He threw his eyes up. "I had to leave the club less than five minutes after Reid left."

Spencer couldn't help the feeling of elation that washed through his body when he heard that the darker agent had not gone home with the lovely Latina. What the hell is wrong with you, he deserves to be happy, just because you have it in your thick skull that you love him does not mean he is not allowed be happy with someone else.

"Hello, Reid? Kid, anyone there?" Spencer was pulled out of his inner monologue to Derek waving his hands in the younger man's face. Spencer gulped and his eye's widened when he realised how close the other man was to him.

"Sorry, what?"

"You okay Kiddo?" Rossi's voice called from behind him. Oh Sweet Science, no, not Rossi. He knew if there was anyone who was going to cop on to his inner turmoil, it was going to be the veteran profiler.

"Yeah, just still tired from the case."

"Reid you left the club at ten-thirty. Your place is a fifteen minute drive from there. What time did you get to sleep at?"

"Past midnight, I think."

"What the hell were you doing?"

"Laundry, getting a fresh go-bag ready, got in some shopping, cleaned up a bit, cooked a few meals to freeze caught up on my mail and looked after my cat."

"Wow, you got all that done, that's impressive." Blake acknowledged.

"Hang on, Reid, since when do you have a cat?" Hotch asked, eyebrows raised.

"Sergio. Prentiss didn't want to have to put him through the quarantine process to bring him to England, so she asked me to take him, since Garcia was going to be gone for two months too."

"I am so minding him when you're on cases by the way." The perky blonde smiled.

"Actually, I'd meant to talk to you about that, I had this made for you." Spencer rummaged around in his desk for a moment and found the key he had gotten made for Garcia, glad to have taken the subject of the conversation off him personally, and hoping that Rossi had become more interested in the new topic of conversation rather than to read more into his moment of awkwardness moments before. "When we're on longer cases you can take him to yours. I don't want Prentiss to think I'm not looking after him."

"It'll be more than my pleasure Junior G-man." the Tech Whizz beamed, taking the key and placing it on a key chain.

"Well now that you're all done with the personal conversations, can you get back to what you are paid to do?" The team looked up to where a stern faced Strauss was standing with a case file in her hand.

"You know Erin; a happy work force is a productive one." Rossi stated snidely.

"Hence why I allowed the conversation to come to a natural end before speaking." The section chief retorted. "Conference room now, all of you."

They all groaned at the thought of what fresh horrors they were about to face.

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Garcia got her wish of looking after Sergio while Spencer and the rest of the team found themselves in Fort Collins Colorado for nearly ten days, and the case was far from over yet. Also budget restrictions had meant the doubling up of agents in their rooms and as usual that meant that Spencer's personal heaven and hell combined of being paired with Derek.

Derek Morgan collapsed onto his hard lumpy hotel mattress after a seventeen hour day scouring around the Rocky Mountain National park. He was exhausted. Spencer was bleary eyed from staring at fourteen different maps of the region. He looked as Derek got off the bed and walked into the small sterile looking bathroom and turned on the shower. He walked out again and went to get fresh underwear from his go-bag. He failed to hear the younger agent sneak into the bathroom while rummaged through his bag. He turned around to find the room empty and the door to the bathroom closed, Spencer could hear the older agent swearing.

"Reid man, I swear if you don't get out here in three seconds I am coming in and taking a shower, I don't care if you're naked, if you're on the toilet or if you're just shaving, I mean it, get out."

"Snooze you lose Morgan, you did it to me three days ago."

"It's not my fault if you don't have the balls to do what I'm about to do, I hope you're not behind the door kid."

"You wouldn't?" Moments later there was a loud crash against the door, but it had not buckled. Spencer knew what the other man was doing, giving him one last chance before he did actually attempt to crash I the door. "Hotch will have your head on a plate if you do damage."

"His own fault for having me share a room with a little twerp like you that goes behind my back and steals the best of the hot water. One last chance, here I come."

Spencer saw red. "Twerp" he knew Derek was joking, he knew his friend would never in this lifetime say anything to intentionally hurt his feelings, but that word suddenly dredged up memories Spencer did everything in his power to place to the back of his never forgetful mind. He opened the door.

"Good choice, umph, Reid what the hell man?" Derek's face went from a victorious grin to pained to confused all in five seconds as Spencer elbowed him in the stomach to get passed him.

"I am not a fucking twerp." He snapped. "Who the hell do you think you are going around saying things like that to me? I am just as much an FBI agent as you are Morgan. I got through the same academy as you so don't go all high and mighty on me." He started to put on some clothes again. The shower continued to pour water, steam slowly making its way out of the confines of the small bathroom.

"Reid, what are you on about? I never said you were any less of an agent than me. If you want a shower that bad man, go on in."

"This isn't about the shower Morgan. And what's the deal with the kid, pretty boy, twerp, and all these other horrible, degrading, demeaning names constantly?"

"Reid, I'm sorry, seriously I would never say anything meant to hurt you, you're my best friend."

"Well act like it, treat me as an equal not as some kid you used bully in school."

"Reid, I never bullied anybody, I told you before, and I was treated like hell in freshman year. I know that big-ass brain of yours remembers. What is this about? Is it me calling you a twerp, because I mean it man, you know I was only messing."

"I am not a twerp." Tears threatened to pour from his eyes, and it took all of two seconds for Derek to notice.

"That was one of the names they called you, in high school, when they…"

"Tied me to the pole in the football field." Spencer finished.

"Reid, Reid, I'm so sorry."

"Just leave me alone Morgan, I don't want your sympathy. I'm sick of the way you treat me. I am a fully grown man not a little boy."

"What do you mean?"

"The way you treat me, constantly looking over my shoulder, always running around trying to stop me from doing anything."

"Reid, I see you as a brother you know that."

"Well I don't see you as mine." And with that he stormed off, leaving a hurt looking Derek in his wake.

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Spencer stood staring at the bedroom door. He had spent the last hour and forty two minutes wandering circles around the vicinity, waiting for Derek to fall asleep before heading back to the room, frightened to deal with the aftermath at the harsh statement he had made to the other man. He opened the door and walked in, groaning internally when he saw a bed side lamp on.

"Reid?"

"No, an Unsub." What the hell am I giving attitude for?

"Can I talk to you? Please."

"About what?" he looked over to the other man in his bed. He bit his lips together and looked at the naked torso of the other man. The strong hard muscles of his chest and abdomen clearly visible. His strong arms seemed tense, large tattoo's covered both of his deltoids. How Spencer wished he could trace his fingers along the lines of those tattoos as they lay together. Get a grip and get out of your head. He chastised internally.

"Reid, what's up? You're my closest friend, closer than I could ever imagine being with anyone else, even Garcia. I always thought we were like brothers, that we always had each other's backs, but you go and say you don't feel like that at all."

"We are." His voice laden with sadness.

"Then what's going on?"

"Nothing to do with you Morgan, I just need to sort myself out a little."

"Hey, don't think that now I'm seeing someone I won't have time for you alright? If you need to talk, I'm here."

"Thanks, but I can't talk to you about this, you have no idea so please just drop it."

Derek just looked at him. He could see the hurt in his friend's eyes. "Sure Pret-Reid, whatever you want."

Spencer walked into the bathroom and shut the door. The way Derek corrected himself from saying Pretty Boy crushed Spencer more than seeing him with that harpy. Spencer loved that nickname, for half a moment he is able to pretend that Derek saw him like he wishes he did. He put on the shower, stripped and stood in. Under the warm cascades of water he sobbed. Even hearing Derek admit to his relationship with the pretty woman hurt more than he thought it possibly could.

Spencer left the shower and dressed in a towel, got his clothes and returned to the bathroom to get dressed. He failed to see Derek face filled with concern. He never realised the older man had heard his gut wrenching sobs as the water washed over him. When he walked back into the room again he noticed Derek's face.

"Reid, if you won't tell me, promise you'll tell someone. You're not okay and don't pretend otherwise." Spencer just nodded, walked over to his bed and got under the covers facing away from his friend.

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The case went on for another three days with nothing substantial, then luckily JJ and Hotch accidently came across evidence in an abandoned truck that caused the team to finally catch the break they needed and get on the Unsubs trail. It took another four days to actually catch him.

The jet ride home was a quiet one; every member of the team was exhausted. JJ was on the phone to Will. She was taking the three days off to be with her son and husband and come hell or high water she was not coming back to work, she was turning off her phone and enjoying her time with her family away from Quantico. She was only breaking the silence of the plane to get Will to pack their things. Rossi was typing into his iPad, writing another chapter of his next book. Blake was working on a lecture, Hotch was catching up on paperwork, and he too was taking a day or two off in hopes of being able to act like a father. Morgan sat with headphones on, music emitting from them at a low level. Usually he would stare out the window at the world passing below them, but tonight and indeed the last few days his attention was completely on the youngest member of the team, and not without reason. In the week since their argument, Spencer had hardly spoken to anyone, usually only to answer questions or if he thought of something relating to the case.

The whole team had noticed the silence, but that wasn't what worried them. The dark circles around the young man's eyes were darker than ever, his skin was nearly translucent and he seemed to be living solely on coffee. When confronted about this, all Spencer would say was he was tired, not hungry, just wanted his own bed. No one could argue that, they had all had cases where they were homesick. The hotel they were staying at was anything but comfortable; Blake had a bruised hip from her mattress. Rossi was like a demon with a toothache because of his bed, Hotch had to put up with over two weeks of Rossi's snoring like an outboard engine, and no one was in a good mood. But Derek knew there was something more, Spencer was avoiding him. Even coming onto the jet this evening, he had waited to see where Derek had seated himself before choosing a seat, which he had chosen as far away from the other agent as possible while not facing him.

Spencer tried as hard as he could not to arouse suspicion but to no avail. He knew the other agent was keeping a very close eye on him, and the close scrutiny meant that as much as he wanted to just try and put it behind him, he couldn't. Several times he nearly snapped again but it wasn't Derek's fault, he knew that, he was blissfully ignorant to the cause of Spencer's turmoil. Why won't he just let it go so I can get on with it?

They departed the jet and every member of the team feared the walk through the BAU in case Strauss was waiting with another case. As it stood she was waiting for them and a groan sounded out throughout the gathering of agents.

"Don't worry, you are going home, and short of a threat to national security, you are not to come in tomorrow."

Rossi did not even make a sound as he turned on his heels and bolted back out the door he just came in.

"Thank you Jesus." Stated Morgan as he turned his head skyward and quickly ran to his office to get his belongings.

"I'm out." JJ took a leaf from Rossi's book and decided that whatever was in her office was not important enough to keep her.

Blake bade Hotch and Spencer farewell as she grabbed her house keys from the locked drawer of her desk before heading out the door. Hotch walked to his office mumbling something about getting paperwork done while Jack was asleep tonight. He arrived back out of it swiftly enough with a few files in his hands and said his goodbyes to Spencer, who was now sitting at his desk being looked at by a perplexed looking Section Chief.

"Dr Reid, did you not hear what I said you are free for this afternoon and the entire day tomorrow?"

"I am aware Ma'am."

"Then why in God's name are you still sitting at your desk here when surely there is somewhere better for you to be?"

"Because there isn't Ma'am, I serve more purpose here than I would anywhere else."

The woman stared at him as he made for a stack of files that were on his desk, opening the first one and began to scan through it. With a look of outright shock on her face she made her way back out of the BAU. Spencer could hear her departure but never looked up from his files.

"Reid man, what are you doing? Get the hell out of here."

"I want to get ahead on my workload."

"Reid, I will drag you out of here kicking and screaming if I have to. This isn't healthy. You need to get out of here before it drags you down. Remember what it did to Gideon."

Spencer paused for a moment at the thought of his old mentor. The sad and self-doubting man he became in the end. He knew his actions were leading the same way. So why couldn't he stop himself.

"I'm not Gideon."

"No, but you will be if you keep this up, and I am not going to let that happen. Come on, let's get a good meal, you can choose the place."

"Thanks Morgan, but I'm not hungry."

"Reid, please, humour me Kid."

"What about Monica? You haven't seen here in two weeks. Shouldn't you be making plans to see her?"

"Monica can wait. I need to spend some time away from this job with my best friend."

"Choosing your friend you've been living in close quarters with or two weeks over a girl, that could be read one of many ways Morgan." He knew what he was doing, this could easily cause Morgan to become annoyed and storm off, further distancing them. But as he looked into the other man's eyes he saw concern.

"Get your ass off that chair and choose somewhere before I choose and you get caught eating a burger as big as that brain of yours Pretty Boy."

"Actually, did you know that the average human brain is 1,130 cubic centimetres and weighs approximately 1,350 grams?" Spencer asked, rising from his chair.

"No, I didn't but I'm glad you do. Nice to see you again kid, we've missed you around here." Derek put his arm around Spencer's shoulder as they walked out of the BAU. Spencer stared at him in puzzlement. "That is the first random fact you have spouted in a week Reid."

"I thought you all hated my random facts."

"I used them to gauge you. The more content you are, the more you say, and the unhappier you are, the less you say."

"I feel like a subject in an experiment."

"So where are we going to eat?"


	2. Chapter 2

"So how is the thing with your sister going? Did you give away our trade secrets to Sarah to help her find out the truth?"

Derek laughed as he shoved another fry into his mouth. "No, she still hasn't given up who the baby daddy is. And to be honest as long as he treats her and the baby right I don't think we should be focussing on that. She'll tell us when she's ready. Though I do want to get my hands on him for touching my little sister."

"You can hardly talk, how many guys could say that about you?" Spencer laughed.

"Hey, I never got anyone pregnant." Derek pointed out. "I would have stood up to my responsibilities if I did. You know that." The thought of Derek with different women made Spencer shudder. Jealousy and sadness ran through him. "You alright Reid?"

"Yeah, just imagining a mini version of you running around kindergarten kicking open little toy house doors." Morgan stared at him for a moment before laughing.

"I'm not that bad am I?"

"Hotch once told a SWAT leader not to bother with a battering ram, that you were covering that entrance."

"You're lying."

"Why would I lie about something like that?" Morgan just stared at the honesty in his friends face.

After a few minutes the smile that had edged its way onto Spencer's face fell off again. He continued to barely eat and move around the food on his plate in hopes of making it look like he was eating. Morgan couldn't take anymore. "Reid, Spencer, please talk to me, is it nightmares, is it your mom?"

Spencer looked up at the use of his first name. He scanned his eidetic memory for a moment and found that at no time had Derek ever used his name when talking to him. In fact the only time he had ever used it was when he decided to give his number out to journalists pretending to be Spencer in their little prank war.

"Shouldn't you at least tell your girlfriend you're back? I mean I know I have little personal knowledge of how relationships work, but usually you have some communication with the other person."

"Reid, diversion tactics aside, why are you always going on about my relationship?"

"I'm not."

"Well not always that's an exaggeration, but still more than most."

"I like seeing my friends happy." He shrugged, again not going into specifics meant he wasn't lying and Derek wouldn't catch on.

"What about you, you're anything but happy?" Derek's voice was concerned and saddened.

"I'm fine."

"Yeah right."

"Morgan, what do you want me to say, I'm thirty, I've never been in a proper relationship. The person I am in love with barely knows I exist and would never see me like that anyway. My mom is in a permanent psych facility and getting worse and the only thing that looks forward to seeing me in the evening is a cat. Do you know how lonely that makes me?"

"Spencer." Pity saturated the older man's voice.

"I don't want pity Morgan; I want to stop feeling this way."

"Have you told her?"

"Sorry?" Spencer had no idea what the other man was on about.

"The girl you love, have you told her?"

"No, I haven't told them, they've started seeing someone and I rather them happy than ruin everything."

"I rather let her know if it was me. I'd like to think I gave it my all and let her know she had the option."

"We work so much, wouldn't you think it would be less than fair for a person to wait around for the likes of us while we're on a case?" Diversion was the only tactic for this. Were he to get too specific the other man may figure him out.

"If they loved us they would."

"Like Haley, like Rossi's wives, Strauss used to be married; her marriage is gone and she rarely goes anywhere, Will gets angry some times. I think it's a bit selfish to expect someone to do that for me. I rather they find happiness."

"What if it's supposed to be with you? The happiness I mean. I think you should just tell this girl. Worst case scenario, you tried. Nothing shameful in that." Derek drank some of his soda. "I'm sorry about your mom by the way, is she getting a lot worse?"

"She's alright; they just keep upping her meds which is sad. She's only fifty six meaning that she'll just be put on stronger and stronger meds and sooner or later either her body will give out or the true her will."

The Chicagoan looked sadly down at his meal. "Christ Reid, I'm sorry. This is all the more reason you should talk to that girl, have something in your life that's good. Is she in the bureau, remember what I said about girls that are packing. Where do you know her from?"

"Yeah, like I'm going to tell you, you'd hang me out to dry."

"Would not, maybe we could convince her to go on a double date with me and Mon."

"I don't think Monica likes me too much."

"What on earth would make you say that?"

""The way she incessantly nods when I am talking, the way she glances sideways, or around in general, she always has her arms folded when I am around, she drums her fingers or fiddles her keys and she taps her foot, all signs of boredom or irritation. I mean I know most people find me boring, but I find it hardest to ignore when the perpetrator is my best friend's partner."

"Reid, I never noticed anything like that." Spencer looked at him sceptically. "And you are not boring."

"You're obliged to say that, you apparently see me as a sibling." Derek laughed for a moment before going serious again.

"I can't believe you've been profiling my girlfriend."

"When have you ever been able to turn off your mind from what we do? Why are you not mad at me?"

"How do you mean?"

"I just admitted to profiling your girlfriend and you're not mad."

"Because it would be fairly hypocritical of me to, when all I want to do is find out who this girl is that has you walking around like a love sick puppy and when I meet her I know I'm going to profile the hell out of her."

"When you meet her?"

"Well no girl you would fancy would be dumb, so I know she will make the right choice when you tell her and then you're going to introduce me to her." The older said confidently.

"I am not saying anything."

"Reid, man I am begging you. Take life by the balls for once and see where it gets you."

"With egg on my face and deep regret. I did the math; I have a ninety five per cent chance of ruining everything if I tell them."

"Screw math, life isn't all about numbers. She could never say no to you. Wait, what do you mean ruin everything. Is it Blake?"

Spencer coughed as a piece of food went down wrong such was the shock of the accusation. "What, goodness no. I know Blake for years."

"How far back do you two go?"

"Nearly four years."

"Well I want to know who has you so smitten."

"Sorry I won't be telling you."

"Reid?"

"Hmm."

"I'm glad we did this. I'm glad you are a little bit back to yourself." Spencer barely heard the end of the sentence. The darkness he had been consumed in for so long had lifted for a few minutes, but Derek's words brought it all back again. The smile he had been wearing fell once more and as he looked to the cheap plastic table cloth, he heard Derek sigh loudly. "Reid?" Spencer looked up. "Please, please cheer up, I miss your goofy smile, we're all worried about you."

"I better go get Sergio back. Thanks for the meal Morgan." Spencer rose to his feet and slapped twenty dollars on the table before walking off. Derek rubbed his hands over his shaven head in frustration as the younger man closed the door of the diner behind him.

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Spencer was sitting in front of the television barely paying attention to the programme flashing across the screen. Sergio flicking his tail in irritation as he watched the rain fall outside the window preventing him from going out and provoking the neighbours little Shih-Tzu into yapping it head off. When Spencer heard his phone ring he never even thought to check the caller ID, he knew it was one of his team calling him in, or the hospital with something involving his mother. His phone was as predictable as they came. "Reid."

"Hey, Dr Reid."

Spencer froze for a moment. "Yes?"

"Hey, I don't know if you know my voice but it's Monica."

"Yes, I did recognise it. What can I do for you?"

"Well as you of all people would know" what the hell did that mean, does she know? "It's Derek's birthday in two weeks and I was wondering if you could help me?"

"What do you need?" He kept his voice as polite as possible. Am I seriously this much of a masochist?

"Well I have no idea what to get him."

"Have you tried dropping subtle hints, or even asking him outright?"

"Well it wouldn't be much of a surprise then would it?" Spencer couldn't help but notice the bitter sting in her voice. Does this bitch not realise I too am a profiler? Seriously?

"Well the Blackhawks are going to be playing the Capitals in ten days, that would interest him, or he likes football, but he's not a basketball fan."

"I'm not into sports."

"Well he likes Vonnegut."

"What?" Dear Mother of Science, this woman's' IQ is less than her waist size. It's clear which one of Derek's heads is in control around her. The thought of Derek's trouser head side tracked Spencer momentarily.

"He likes the Bond movies, the new one is due out in a week, why not go see that with him and he likes the Chinese place on Fraley Boulevard."

"Maybe." She thought aloud. "But I don't like those movies they're boring, and I prefer sushi." Why dear Einstein why Derek? What do you see in this girl? "All those ideas seem a bit mannish."

"Well Derek is a man so that would explain what he likes being mannish." Spencer's patience was wearing thin.

"I'm aware point Dexter, but I want to do something cute together as a couple, guess I rang the wrong person, bye." And with that the phone went dead.

"Point Dexter?" he repeated bitterly. I haven't been called that since the eighth grade.

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Spencer had spent his day off catching up on house chores, correspondence to his mother and sleep. As he walked in the door of the BAU the day after he felt a little more refreshed. It was easier not having to look at Derek's handsome face and perfect body. Again Spencer found himself thinking lustfully of the man's features made all the more perfect by his amazing ability to make people around him smile, his chocolate brown eyes often surrounded by slight wrinkling as his face beamed another glorious smile.

"Hey Boy Wonder, how you doing? All refreshed?" Garcia asked cheerfully as she exited the break room, a coffee in hand.

"Mmhmm." He forced a small smile onto his face.

"And how about you the wonderful Italian Stallion."

Rossi had been walking through the bullpen to his office stopped for a moment and raised an eyebrow at the colourful Tech's less than appropriate nickname for him. "I slept for more than fifteen minutes without nearly being stabbed to death by rogue bedsprings if that's what you're asking." Garcia laughed at the eldest profilers complaints. "How are you feeling kiddo?"

"Better yeah." The scuff mark on the top of his Chuck's all of a sudden seemed far more interesting.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." Spencer could tell Rossi would not believe him right now if he were to say the sky seems blue and the grass is green, but he headed to his desk anyway and started paperwork, leaving Garcia to wonder what was going on as she headed back to her lair.

He kept his head down and worked through the files in front of him. After an hour he wondered where Morgan was, only to get an answer to his question when the older agent walked from the direction of his office and over to Rossi's. With JJ and Hotch off for the day, short of an emergency Spencer knew there was nothing that was going to interrupt the piles of paperwork for the different agents. He found since Prentiss left he had less files in front of him every day, and with Morgan up in his own office only JJ had the ability to slip him some. So while Morgan was discussion admin with Rossi, he walked to the abandoned office and let himself in.

Garcia had done a great job with the place, elegant and classy, just like Derek. He walked over to the large desk and took a handful of files off it. His attention was drawn to a small envelope on the desk that was half open; there glaring back at him was a pair of tickets with a Tomahawk and an eagle on them. Guess the bitch liked my idea after all. But part of him smiled, he knew that Derek wanted to go to the game, he talked incessantly about it. Spencer only hoped they would be in town so Derek could make the game.

"What the, Reid man, what are you doing in here?" Derek's voice came from behind him. He saw Spencer holding a few of his files and grinned. "You know any other person in this world would be trying to sneak some on my pile, not take some off."

"Well I just wanted to make sure you got out of here some time tonight."

"Thanks, but you need to get out of here some time too."

"Morgan it is twelve forty and I am finished. I am obliged to stay here until at least five, so how about I make sure you get out then too?"

"Well since you're twisting my arm. I want to get out of here early, see Monica; she got me the greatest gift ever, Blackhawk tickets. I can't believe she remembered. I only mentioned it to her in passing once. And I know sports aren't her thing, so that makes it all the more special. I'm telling you, this girl may actually be The One."

Spencer felt as though his throat was closing over, as though he couldn't breathe. The room was starting to spin.

"Reid, Reid are you alright? You're gone even paler than I thought humanly possible, even for you." Derek's voice was distant and muffled. Spencer just nodded and stumbled to the door, files still in his hand. The agonising pain in the pit of his stomach hurt more than anything he had ever imagined could. He failed to feel the arm wrap around him and guide him safely into the men's toilet. He barely registered the sound of the door locking.

"Breathe Kiddo, it's okay, no one here but you and me. Come on, breathe." Spencer knew there was only one person that ever called him "kiddo". That was Rossi's name for him. But the voice he heard wasn't one he would ever say was Rossi's which concerned him. It was deeper and slower, as though someone had slowed down time. It meant he was more out of it that he thought. The feeling in his stomach suddenly didn't feel so heavy. Actually it was starting to feel… How Rossi got him to a toilet in time he would never know. The man truly was the best in the business to say he was able to read the younger agents face so well as to know it was to be sick, even though he hadn't wretched or anything beforehand. "It's okay kid. Get it all up."

When he finally finished emptying the contents of his stomach, he felt himself being filled with humiliation and shame. He could feel the heat rising all the way up his neck, across his cheeks and even to the tips of his ears. "The case files?"

"I put them over on the sink, they're fine."

Spencer started to rearrange his clothes so not to seem so disarrayed. He went to the sink to get some water to splash on his face.

"You know when I was a young man; many, many years ago I knew a woman named Emma Taylor. I knew her since we were children. I loved her more than anything in this world. She was the one that got away. I never told her how I felt, and she married another man. She passed away in early 2009. I never even went to her funeral, I couldn't. I was too riddled in regret. I still am. I hope never to witness another person feel that way." Spencer looked over at the other agent who was washing his hands leisurely as he spoke. "I often wondered was that why my marriages broke up? I wasn't with the person I had been destined to be with. Had I let her slip through my fingers?" As he spoke he raised his hands and let the water flow through them. "Makes you think really." He dried his hands, walked passed Spencer, clapped his shoulder and walked to the door, unlocked it and walked out leaving Spencer wondering what on earth the other man had been talking about. Hotch was right, he really does have a flair for dramatics. Spencer spent the following two hours and seventeen minutes that he should have been doing case files wondering to himself why Rossi had told him that story.

"Hey, Junior G-man, you haven't went for your afternoon coffee, everything alright?"

"Hey Garcia. Yeah, I forgot, a bit over-burdened with paperwork."

"Well I got you a caramel macchiato, extra pump of caramel, and about a fifth sugar." She handed him the tall Styrofoam cup.

"Garcia, I do not know how to thank you."

"I want your first born, but I'd settle for a smile." The sight of the coffee alone got her her wish. "Perfect. Enjoy." And with that she walked off.

With a coffee and a slight new lease on his day, Spencer got the work done, until he remembered Derek's comment about Monica. He continued the work, but again sullenness crept over him. He just kept his head down and had the files done in near no time. He walked the completed files to Rossi's office to hand them in for the evening with his assessments and recommendations. No one in the academy would ever think of the amount of paperwork necessary in the illustrious BAU. But it was something Spencer had been pleasantly surprised by. Though Hotch seemed to be less so, as he tried to decode the junior agents atrocious handwriting. He knocked on the door but no gruff voice answered.

"Dr. Reid, Rossi left fifteen minutes ago, but Morgan is still in his office." Blake informed him. Of course he is. He turned around and headed to Derek's office. He sighed deeply and prepared to knock.

"Alright beautiful, I will see you in an hour so. Bye." He heard through the door. What am I doing, I can't go in there. But he had to deliver the files. Rossi had already left meaning he could leave when he felt like it. He knocked, cursing to himself that the knocks were harsher than necessary. "Come in." he opened the door, keeping his eyes to the floor.

"Sorry, Rossi is gone so I said I'd give these to you." He put the files on the desk and without once glancing away from the floor, walked back out the door again, ignoring the stares and pleas of the other man as he walked into the bullpen, grabbed his satchel and bolted for the lift.

He made it to the lift and waited for its arrival. He looked around; there was no one else in the hallway. He looked at numbers on the wall indicating the floor the steel box was situated.

"Reid."

Oh shit. He continued to look ahead. "Ouch, hey." He felt a pain in his arm as Derek dragged him away from the elevator and into a small corridor. "What the hell Morgan?"

"What the hell? What the hell? Reid, what the hell you? Seriously man, are you on something?"

Spencer's jaw clenched and he stood to his full height. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me, are you taking drugs or something. Because you are acting like a madman."

"No Derek, I am not on drugs, how dare you accuse me of something like that." He spat.

"Well what the hell is going on?"

"I, I can't say."

"Reid I swear to God man if you don't….."

Derek Morgan was unable to finish the sentence as Spencer pushed him against the wall and crashed his lips to the other mans. Holy shit, what am I doing? This is against the rules. We are at work. We are in a hallway. We could be seen. He could have me fired for this. This is amazing, wait, why isn't he pushing me off him? The need to breathe was the only reason Spencer pulled away. He took a deep breath and slowly looked to Derek's face. He was expecting repulsion and disgust, but all he saw was confusion.

He turned on his heels and bolted for the elevator door while Morgan stood completely frozen to the spot, unable to think or move.

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You chicken, you hadn't even the guts to tell him, now he has no idea and he is going to think you just did that to escape. Though that wasn't entirely untrue, he had not planned on it, but Derek being stunned had gifted him the opportunity he required to make a swift exit. You owe him more than that, you owe him an explanation. Spencer looked at his clock, it read nine fifteen. He grabbed his jacket and headed out the door. Forty minutes later he found himself wandering slowly in the direction of Derek's place. He continued on, discussing his inner turmoil with himself as he walked. If you actually do love him you will tell him. If his car is there I am going to talk to him. Of course his car will be there, it's his house, but will her car be there? He hadn't thought of that. What is Monica was there? It mightn't matter anyway; Derek might take one look at him and slam the door in his face.

He made his way to the right street and sure enough. Derek's car was outside him home. No other car was in the driveway. That was a good sign surely? He walked up the steps to the front porch and stood staring at the door. For ten minutes he just stood there, willing his hand to lift from his side and press the doorbell, but it would not obey. He was so lost in thought about what he would say to the other man, he never realised there was a shadow on the other side of the door, barking at him.

"Clooney, what has you all riled up? Is that someone at the? Weird, I never heard the bell." odd, Derek speaks aloud when home alone. Spencer found himself thinking. "Reid." Spencer could barely maintain eye contact. Both men have a nervous demeanour about them and the German Shepard picked up on it immediately and began to growl at the assumed threat. Spencer. "Clooney, bed." Snapped Derek. Spencer jumped at the harshness of his co-workers voice. The dog seemed to think better than to argue.

"This was a bad idea, I better go." Spencer said to his feet as he turned to walk away. He felt Derek's arm on his and it pulled him around.

"Like hell you are, you pulled one heck of a stunt earlier and I want an explanation." He pulled Spencer into the house. Neither man made to go anywhere farther than the foyer. "Well? What the hell was that about?"

"I….Um…..I"

"Come on Mr Motor-Mouth. Why the hell did you do that earlier?"

"I'm in love with you." Spencer shouted out. Derek stood with the same face he had earlier in the day in the corridor. "I have been since I met you, that day you and Hotch came to the academy study hall to scope me out when you thought I wouldn't notice. And I nearly didn't until I saw you, and I realised immediately I was attracted to you. Since then I have kept it bottled up. But recently it wouldn't stay hidden anymore, no matter what I did. And you kept at me and at me to tell the person how I felt, but you assumed it was a woman even though I never specified it was. You seem so happy with Monica that I didn't want to get in the way and when she called me I wanted to make sure you were happy with what she got you, then today in your office when you said she was the one I felt as though the world was caving in and Rossi said some stupid story about some woman that got away and I just realised that was his way of telling me he knew what was going on and that I shouldn't make the same mistake he did, then you confronted me in the hall and I didn't know what to do or say and it was totally wrong of me to kiss you and I am so sorry for forcing myself on you and I understand if you never want to talk to me again and I'm gonna go now and sorry for standing outside your house and for freaking out your dog." Spencer took a breath, he never realised he had just made a speech in one breath.

Derek just stood staring. He seemed to be trying to compute everything that was just said. As he came to his senses he noticed the younger man heading out the door sheepishly. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going?"

"I told you I was leaving."

"You don't get to drop a bombshell like that and then leave. You have felt this way for years?"

Spencer nodded "Nine years, four months, two weeks and three days."

"You said nothing?"

"You're straight; you're always sleeping with women."

"It was me you were talking about when you said you were in love with someone." Spencer merely nodded and stared at the floor for that.

"Monica called you? Why?"

"To see what to get you for your birthday."

"And what did you tell her?"

"That you wanted to see the Black Hawks while they were in town, or maybe a football game, but not basketball. Oh and that the new Bond movie was coming out and your favourite Chinese."

"You were the one who told her about the Black Hawks? I thought she remembered."

"Derek, the woman's IQ is in the negative figures. Seriously, she would be the first person in history to fail an IQ test."

"Hey, that's mean. Slightly true, but mean."

"Meaner than her slamming down the phone because I reminded her you were a man, not a Bichon Frise after she called me Point Dexter?"

"What's a Bichon whatsit?"

"It's a small white furry dog."

"Right and point Dexter." Scoffed Derek.

"Football field Derek?" the other agent became serious again. "Where is she by the way, as I was going to your office today I heard you making plans with her?"

"I cancelled, to say what happened left me for six, is an understatement. You shouldn't have kissed me at work."

"I know, and I am sorry. It wouldn't stay hidden any longer. I'm sorry."

"Do you regret it?"

"What?"

"Do you regret it? The kiss."

"No." Spencer looked Derek in the eye. He didn't regret it and he wasn't ashamed of that much, it was the most amazing few moments of his life. Derek nodded his head slowly thinking hard as his eyes drifted to the side without blinking.

"I never thought you were gay."

"I'm not; well I dunno what I am really. I mean I find women attractive, but you're the only guy I've ever found myself drawn to. I think I am attracted to personality as opposed to physical gender."

"I'm not gay."

"I know that, I always knew that. It never changed how I felt."

"This is so messed up." Derek ran his fingers over his head as he tried to make sense of it all.

"I know and I'm sorry, I never meant to put you in this position, to make you uncomfortable."

"I know kid, it's just. It's weird."

"I know."

"No you don't, Reid, when you kissed me today, I realised something. The way I feel about you. It's different to the way I feel about the rest of the team. I tried to push it aside saying it was the love you would have for a brother, but in truth it was more. I think I feel the same way about you, and it is scaring the shit out of me." Spencer stood wide eyed, biting his lip. Unable to believe what he was hearing. "Can that happen, be gay, but only for one person?"

"I don't think love comes with a rule book Derek."

Derek moved forward to get closer the lithe man. "I like how you say Derek." Spencer found himself leaning in closer too. "And I was so turned on by you crashing me into the wall of the hall and kissing me. I have to say Spencer, I never though you would be so domineering."

"I was trying to fight nine years of want."

"Well I broke up with my girlfriend earlier so how about we help release some more of it?" He pulled the tails of Spencer's shirt and caused the pale man to move forward and into his lips. It was gentle and cautious. But after a moment Spencer lost control and attacked Derek's soft, plush lips with his own and his tongue. Derek groaned as he opened his mouth to reciprocate the lustrous kiss. "Pretty Boy, you're a closest wild cat aren't you?"

"I am making this up as I go. I want to show you how I've felt about you for the past decade."

"Baby, I hope you continue to show me for the next half a century." And Derek Morgan leant in for another kiss.


End file.
